Maturity can be described in a thousand different ways. There are different characteristics and traits that are supposed to be attributed to mature people. However, in this amalgamation of qualities, a characteristic inextricably linked to psychological maturity stands out self-assertion. Thanks to self-assertion, we acquire the security and serenity necessary to take control of our lives, accepting what we really want and rejecting everything that hurts us. For some, developing this level of self-awareness and self-determination can take a lifetime. There is a time in life when we either break free of social fears and pressures or end up living according to their rules and allowing them to dictate our decisions.
The social pressures – implicit and explicit – are many and come from everywhere. Although they generally originate from the society to which we belong and the culture in which we are imbued, they are perpetuated and pressured by those who are closest to us, from our neighbors and co-workers to our friends, parents, or partners. Sometimes, these pressures push us along paths that we would not have chosen freely. They tie us up with “you can’t” or “you shouldn’t”. These messages, repeated day after day, end up hurting us. We internalize them and they become norms that govern our behavior. We start saying to ourselves, “I can’t” or “I shouldn’t”. Thus, we begin to repress our most authentic desires and impulses, for fear of being questioned or even rejected.
We adapt to the social roles we must play to avoid disappointment on the faces of others. However, by adapting so much to your standards and expectations, we can end up invalidating ourselves. We may end up silencing our inner voice or even depriving ourselves of essential psychological oxygen to breathe. Starting to remove all the layers of the onion that we have built-in some way to fit into the universe of “others” involves hard work for self-discovery. This path is full of obstacles, but it is also extremely liberating. Embrace what we want and be so comfortable, finally. Most of us were raised in a culture that leads to extreme “burnout”. Continuously seeking external approval to validate us implies dedicating an enormous amount of psychological energy to the interpretation of all these social roles, which ends up draining us and distancing us from our “I”. Only when we start to distance ourselves from these social roles and get rid of “duty” and “having”, can we reconnect with our deepest “I” and discover what we really want. This new maturity is deeply liberating, it allows us to realize that we do not need to prove anything to anyone except ourselves. We understand that when we say “enough”, we are actually respecting our desires and honoring our aspirations. So we can say “yes” without fear and “no” without guilt. However, this personal rediscovery process can have a “dark” side if we don’t know how to manage it properly.
Never under any circumstances, give the other the possibility of returning when he wants. This self-love is fire! It is love in its most genuine and complex form. Wanting is not enough to have it. It takes a lot of balance, a lot of courage, and a lot of shame in the face to have the dreamlike feeling as an ally. Self-love is that feeling of freedom that, indifferent to the opinion of others, makes your life flow. It provides enough intelligence to understand that accepting and loving is not selfishness is respect. Self-love makes us understand that nobody belongs to anyone and that going is a universal right. It makes us understand that choosing a life partner is a privilege, not a consequence. Developing this feeling requires a lot of emotional balance and requires many concessions. It may be that you only have to spend a period of time, end an abusive relationship, leave a job that does not fulfill you, position yourself in a confrontational situation with a friend, diet, and exercise. I do not know what your case will be, but the fact is that it is only after many difficult situations that this self-love happens. In our relationships, it is no different.
Although society has created an absurd need for relationships “at any cost” and “in any way”, self-love comes against theories and proves by A + B that he knows of love whom he has learned to respect. Rationally speaking, no one loses “affairs”, friends, or loves that have never been whole in the relationship. I know we have this habit of blaming fate, life, and the universe, when in fact we are the only ones responsible for our own choices and consequently for the relationships we draw into our lives. Do you want the truth? No one is worth your peace. Do not lose your dignity, your own mastery, and your sanity for those who do not care about you. Love yourself, respect yourself, choose yourself. When you begin to look into yourself with more respect, you realize that the greatest love in the world exists and calls itself.
Some people, when they discover the life of “social submission” they have led, may react by being angry and holding a grudge against “others”. These feelings can take you to the opposite extreme, moving from extreme complacency to selfishness. The key to saying “no” without guilt or conscientious accusations is being able to assert ourselves without attacking. It means defending our assertive rights and respecting the rights of others. It means preserving empathy but saying no to manipulation. The reaffirmation of our goals, aspirations or desires has nothing to do with selfishness, it is an act of personal dignity. It is an exercise in psychological survival and well-being. In fact, psychological research has found that assertive people not only experience less stress but have better health and are less prejudiced against others. We need to understand that saying “no” when others expected a “yes” is not an act of betrayal for which we should feel bad, but an act of personal guarantee. Whoever loves us will know how to respect those limits and will even be happy for us. Anyone who feels betrayed and hurt is likely to want us to continue to put their needs and wants ahead of ours. When we meet again, we will finally realize all the superfluous things that were drowning us. The mental noise prevented us from thinking clearly. Of the obstacles that we place ourselves to prevent us from flying. So we can spread our wings and say “yes” to what we really want and say “no” to everything that hurts us. Without fears. Without guilt. No mercy.
A life that is governed by the lines of wisdom, justice, altruism, and maturity is a fuller, happier, more satisfying life. We all win, not just a few! This is the way! I believe in the sun even when it is not shining. And I believe in love, even when there’s no one there. And I believe through any trial, there is always a way. But sometimes in this suffering and hopeless despair, My heart cries for shelter, to know someone’s there But a voice rises within me, saying hold on my child, I’ll give you strength, I’ll give you hope. Just stay a little while. May there someday be sunshine. May there someday be happiness. May there someday be love. May there someday be peace.
The author can be mailed at sajadhassan316@gmail.com
