by Mohd Ishaq Shah
I am not going to talk about the world of orphans and widows. I am not going to deal with the destitute and dejected world of the poor and downtrodden. I am not going to discuss the problems emerging out of the gap between the class structures of the society. I am not going to highlight the political or philosophical issues and concerns of the world, for these topics have often been overexploited by the writers. I am going to plunge into the matter that is as much crucial as it is overshadowed. The world that is resided in by the children that are left behind by the divorced and broken-up relationships and the single mothers who are suffering only due to male domination and social taboos.
Case study: As for myself, during my experience as a teacher, I have seen many cases of this kind that reveal the core social reality of the times. And the reality goes totally against the tall claims of the so-called feminists and social workers. More specifically the laws formulated in this context and the implementation of those laws. Very recently, after joining my new place of posting, I met two such persons. One of them is a student and another teacher. While interacting with them, I could know the following factual details. The male child is left behind by a couple who married other persons after their divorce and left him behind unattended. Presently he is neither owned by his father nor by his mother. Although the mother has a logic that her second husband doesn’t allow her to keep the child from the first marriage with her, and the father is not allowed to own him by his second wife, as it is very natural for step-mothers to behave in such way. The second case is of a student from Kargil who once tried to commit suicide only due to the depression caused by the dispute between his parents. The parental dispute doesn’t affect only his mental setup but also the education that is too important for his future.
The second case is of a lady who is a teacher by profession and also a PhD holder in an Urdu subject who is having a dispute with her husband and has a 6-year-old daughter with her. I am not as concerned about the lady, as she has the choice of either parting away from her husband and marrying another man or But the matter of concern for me is the girl child who is shorn of the fatherly care and affection plus protection of her rights. Although the lady as a mother is suffering a lot on account of the said dispute. For the sake of reference, I would like to quote a post from the social media page “Federal circuit and family Court of Australia”. Titled as “How does parental conflict affect children?”
It is normal for parents to disagree sometimes; however, high levels of conflict and animosity between parents place children at a greater risk of developing emotional, social and behavioural problems, as well as having difficulties with concentration and educational achievement. Frequent and intense conflict or fighting between parents also has a negative impact on children’s sense of safety and security, which affects their relationships with their parents and with others. Parental conflict that specifically focuses on issues related to children is also linked to adjustment problems, particularly when it causes children to blame themselves for their parents’ problems.
‘Good quality parenting’, that is, parenting that provides structure, warmth, emotional support and positive reinforcement, has been found to reduce the impact of parental conflict. What is the difference between high parental conflict and family violence? The key difference between parental conflict and family violence is the use of power and control. Family violence involves an intentional pattern of coercive behaviour for the purpose of exercising power and control over one or more members of a family. Parental conflict involves disagreements about parenting in which neither parent holds overarching power over the other, and neither parent experiences being fearful for their safety or wellbeing as a result of the other parent’s behaviour.
What about after parents separate? Parental separation often initially leads to an increase in parental conflict and anger, although for some families the level of conflict reduces when parents do not see each other regularly. The level of conflict between parents usually reduces significantly in the first two to three years after separation, but, in a small number of separated families, the conflict remains high for many years after that. Unfortunately, for a few children, their parents remain in high conflict throughout their childhood. The type of post-separation conflict that has been found to have the most harmful effect on children is that which occurs when parents use children to express their anger and hostility. Children who are placed in the middle of their parents’ dispute (by either parent) are more likely to be angry, stressed, depressed or anxious and have poorer relationships with their parents than children who are not used in this way. Examples of post-separation, high-conflict behaviours that have been identified as being detrimental for children include asking children to carry hostile messages to the other parent asking children intrusive questions about the other parent, demeaning or putting down the other parent in the presence of the children, asking the children to hide information from the other parent, and making the children feel they need to hide positive feelings for the other parent.”
Conclusion: so the only way to make relationships meaningful and concrete is to be practical while establishing them. Emotionalism and social customs malign the taste of relationships. J.B.S. Haldane, in his famous prose tract “what I require from Life”, says, “Friendship with the same is what I require from life.” Likewise, the relationship must be established with the same, not in terms of wealth and social status, but in terms of mindset and education and social etiquette. Materialism often puts us in a dilemma and delusion. Moralism must be a criterion. Moralism in the sense of whether the two persons who are going to marry each other are compatible or not. Because the religion also has kept a provision of choice in the institution of marriage. And the only logic behind it is to check the compatibility. A due time gap must be taken to understand and evaluate the behaviour. Haste makes waste. Hence, before we execute the marriage contract/Nikkah or take seven rotations around the Agni, we must comprehend what we are supposed to do after marriage. It is not just establishing a sexual partnership and reproducing. For it results in births, and those very innocents are at our mercy. Once we fall in line with misunderstanding, arrogance, customs and traditional practices, we put these innocents in trouble.
The way forward is mutual understanding and respect. Protection of each other’s rights and fulfilment of duties and obligations towards each other. Compassion and kindness to each other, valuing each other’s dignity and position, and avoiding repetition of past mistakes. Digesting the bitterness of life experience for each other’s sake, appreciating each other’s work and efforts. Encouraging and soothing in difficult times. Above all, consider marriage as a universal duty to sustain the human race.
The author can be mailed at ishaq7007@gmail.com
